


Sei Fiori

by misckpopstuff (Sphenimersus)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Multi, Taeil-centric, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 18:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9397343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sphenimersus/pseuds/misckpopstuff
Summary: One flower for each one he has continued to love. Six flowers representing his loss and hopelessness. More to smother him and mock his fragile heart.





	1. Sei Fiori

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted on [AFF](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1212624/sei-fiori-angst-taeil-yutae-dojae-nct-johnsol-taeilcentric).  
> Originally posted on January 7th 2017.
> 
> So, basically I decided to torture my poor child (as well as myself) merely because Taeil was the first that came in mind after I read a bunch of Hanahaki Disease fics. Also, this was about 15 pages on google docs, much longer than I planned for, but it’s mainly because of a bunch of dialogue.  
> tbh, I wasn't going to include Doil or Jaeil, but idk, I kinda got carried away. I feel like it would've been better if I just left it at four people (the titile would've been "Quatre Fleurs"), but I actually really love Doil. Like, they're such an underrated ship and I love them lots. I might re-write some of it and change the ending for this to how it was originally set up to be, but idk if I really want that. If ever do, I'll put it as the third chapter in this fic. It'd essentially be the same though.

The first time Taeil finds flower petals around his bed, it’s nearly a year after joining the SMRookies. It’s also a month after Lee Taeyong and Nakamoto Yuta officially became a thing. There’s a myriad of flowers surrounding him, but the only one he recognizes is the yellow tulip.

Taeil sits up in his bed, feeling bile crawl up his throat because he knows what’s happening. It’s not something he can hide, but he _can_ disguise it as what he likes for now. A knock on the door forces him to stand to let whoever it is in. “Hey,” he weakly greets.

Taeyong peers at him with concern bringing horrible flutters to Taeil’s stomach and a tight, constricting pain in his chest. The younger finally asks, “Hyung, are you okay? You’ve been avoiding us.” _Us meaning Taeyong and Yuta_.

Taeil smiles despite a nasty crawl he feels in his throat, “Yeah. Just dandy. I’m great, honestly.”

Taeyong hesitates before nodding, leaving the vocalist to his own devices.

Taeil shuts the door and coughs harshly, hacking up a colorful amount of a similar flower - a flower he usually sees in his neighbor’s yard. _Begonia_ , he vaguely remembers.

“Hyung, why are there so many flowers in your bed?”

Taeil starts before turning to his roommates that he’d been trying to ignore out of jealousy.

Doyoung stares at the oldest before asking, “It’s not…”

“It is.”

Jaehyun feels Doyoung’s hand tighten around him, hearing his boyfriend’s strained voice, “Who is it?”

Taeil mumbles unintelligibly earning a “What?” from the youngest.

“Taeyong,” he says again, barely audible.

Doyoung relaxes slightly but frowns. Jaehyun lets go of his boyfriend and kneels down to comfort his hyung, patting the older’s back gently.

Taeil chokes on tears and another emergence of begoniene. “I-i’m sorry,” he gasps out. “Th-they’ve just gotten more affectionate these days.” He cries harder, feeling his chest being torn through by figurative thorns.

“Taeil-hyung, shh, it’s okay,” Jaehyun whispers. “Just stay in bed today. We’ll tell them you’re sick.”

Taeil pitifully nods, leaning against the wall, but his heart aches when he sees his roommates so affectionate without him.

Doyoung takes ahold of the older’s hands, “Don’t worry about us. Just try to get through today. The first day is always the worse. Do you want us to tell anyone?”

“Kyuhyun-hyung… and Jonghyun-hyung,” Taeil replies quietly after a moment of thought.

Doyoung nods taking Jaehyun’s hand to lead him out of the room. He says before closing the door, “Don’t worry about the flowers. We’ll clean it up later.”

Taeil stifles a sigh only for another flower to emerge slowly. _It hurts_ , he thinks, but he’s not sure if it’s because of the flowers’ roots tightening over his heart or if it’s only because of heartache from a broken heart.

* * *

Three months, only three months pass, by the time Hansol finds the flowers emerging from Taeil during one of his visits to the older’s dorm. Taeil’s hands grip desperately on Hansol’s arms, “Don’t tell them.”

“Don’t tell who?”

“All of them. Only Doyoung and Jaehyun know. Everyone else _can’t_ know.”

The taller man sighs, “Taeil, they deserve to know.” _You’re precious to all of us_ , his eyes try to say.

“ _Please_. I’m getting better.”

“You’re not.”

“Better than the first time,” Taeil continues to plead.

Hansol shakes his head, “These are begoniene. Someone with deep thoughts. You’re not going to fall out of love easily. You can confess.”

“I know,” the smaller replies quietly. “But he already loves someone else.”

Another sigh escapes Hansol’s lips before he hugs his friend tightly, patting the older gently, “You have me Taeil.”

And a gate in Taeil’s heart breaks. The emotions he holds for his only same-age friend in NCT flood through him.

But before he can say a word of thank, Hansol continues, “Johnny and I will help you.”

The name pulses in his mind, _Johnny. That’s right, Hansol is with Johnny. Like how Johnny is with Hansol_. And just like how the gate fell, a string in Taeil snaps. All the while, another gate is broken and it was as though the string never existed. He coughs violently, shuddering from the intensity of the attack. His sight blurs but he manages to see new flowers within the petals that fall out. He laughs sadly because he recognizes two as the ones his parents once exchanged. _Lisianthus, calming_ , he remembers. _For Hansol_ , the deep recesses of his mind tells him. The other flower’s color complimented the lisianthus’ hue, _Hydrangeas for perseverance._

Taeil’s laughter turns maniacal as Hansol tries to shush his cries. The desperate pleas for for him to leave finally convinces Hansol to step away. Taeil spares a glance at Hansol from his bed before bitterly giving permission to reveal the secret. “Tell them. I don’t care anymore. Tell them all.”

Hansol hesitates before leaving, only saying, “Taeil, just rest.” When he exits the room, Hansol calls Taeyong over, whispering, “Taeil got the Hanahaki disease. Should we keep it from the maknaes?”

Taeyong’s eyes wide, “Taeil-hyung? Where is he? Is he okay? Who’s the bitch or bastard that won’t reciprocate his feelings?”

“He’s in his room, but the ‘bitch or bastard that won’t reciprocate his feelings’ is already dating someone, so I don’t think Taeil ever confessed,” Hansol calmly relays what he knows. “Again, should we tell the maknaes?”

Taeyong bites his lips, “None of the millennials should know. Mark can know, but none of the ones younger than him. Not until after we debut. And even then, only the ones that will work with him.”

Hansol nods but reminds the leader, “We can’t keep the Chinese members from talking.”

“Kun knows what he’s doing,” Taeyong shakes his head. “He’s a smart kid. He won’t want those kids to find out their favorite hyung is suffering.”

Hansol agrees, “Alright.”

Nearly half an hour later, almost everyone is gathered in the dorm’s living room just outside of Taeil’s room. The air is tense with anxiety and worry for the oldest member. Someone that they simply could not imagine to not be there.

Johnny is the last through the door, eyes filled with worry and face red from overexertion because it’s his best friend. “Where is he?”

Hansol stands and gently grabs his boyfriend’s hand, “He’s in his room, resting. The coughing fits ended about ten minutes ago.”

Johnny’s tense shoulders relax slightly, but he finally breaks the tense air, “What really happened?” He glares at Taeyong, “You wouldn’t call for an emergency if it was only a cold.”

“He--” Taeyong chokes on his words before breaking down in tears, “he has the Hanahaki Disease.”

All but Doyoung and Jaehyun blink in surprise. Sicheng pulls Kun’s shirt asking in Chinese to clarify, _“Taeil-gē has Hanahaki?”_

Kun nods, hands gripped into tight fists.

“Who? Why?” Johnny’s voice breaks.

Mark shakes his head in denial, “It can’t be. Who wouldn’t love Taeil-hyung?”

Ten agrees, “Our sweet hyung. Is it really not reciprocated?”

Yuta, who was silent since he came in, grabs Taeyong’s face, staring at him in the eyes, “Tell me you’re lying. Not Taeil. Never in a million years. He deserves the world but _not_ Hanahaki. _Never Hanahaki._ ” He violently turns to Hansol, “What flowers?”

“What?”

Yuta all but screams, “What flowers?!”

Doyoung finally speaks, “When we first saw him, there were yellow tulips and begoniene.”

“You already knew?”

“He asked us not to tell. Other than us, Kyuhyun-hyung and Jonghyun-hyung know,” Jaehyun answers quietly.

Hansol bites back an insult for holding back such crucial information before turning to the Japanese, “There were two other yellow flowers. Carnations and another I don’t know. Originally, I only saw those four flowers but his coughing fit had an abundance of two violet flowers that I didn’t recognize.”

“Oh god,” Yuta’s skin pales at the thought. “Please tell me you saw wrong.”

“Look for yourself,” Hansol states coldly. “I’m only telling you what my eyes saw.”

Silence envelops the room, heavy on their bodies before Ten finally asks, unable to suppress the curiosity, “What does this mean?”

Yuta sits from his pacing, eyes void of emotion, when he tells them, “It shouldn’t be possible. Coughing up two types of flowers at once. My parents told me that it means that if a person coughs up so much, it means they love more than one person. They said it shouldn’t be possible. But Taeil-hyung’s heart is huge, so maybe?”

“He was still coughing up begonien though.”

“Fuck, I don’t know,” Yuta groans. “Let me… let me check up on him.” He stands and practically jumps over the chairs to get to Taeil’s room.

"Wait!” Doyoung blurts out.

“What?”

“Tae- He- I- let me and Jaehyun watch. We’re his roommates,” Doyoung says, nearly blurting out one of the three names that he knows Taeil loves. He’s afraid of how Taeil would react to Yuta being in the room.

Yuta pauses before nodding, “Alright. Fine.”

Doyoung takes Jaehyun over and follows the Japanese member in. They find Taeil fiddling with the flowers as he leans against his bed from the floor. In his hands are flowers, purple flowers, that are being tied together gently. Doyoung looks to the side and finds at least three different flower crowns. He looks at the one in Taeil’s hand, finding a fourth flower.

Yuta hesitantly asks, “Hyung, how are you feeling?”

“Heartbroken,” Taeil answers, voice empty of the usual mirth and emotion. “You know, I heard you all talking.”

Yuta freezes.

“I have to thank you, Doyoung, Jaehyun,” Taeil continues, monotone. “I’m glad you didn’t reveal the first I fell for. Can you leave please?”

The two younger bite their tongues to stop themselves from protesting. Doyoung glances back one last time before closing the door tightly.

Yuta kneels in front of Taeil, inquiring, “What do you mean?”

The older remains silent until he finally finishes the fourth purple flower crown. Taeil looks up and places his work atop Yuta’s head. “These are freesias. I looked it up after my second attack. Do you know what freesias represent?”

A gentle shake of denial but he asks, “How many attacks have you gotten?”

“This is the third one where a representational flower appears.” Taeil answers before continuing, “Freesias mean spirited. Like you.”

“What about the others?”

Taeil lifts each flower crown based on the flora that he speaks of.

“Begonia.”

“Someone with deep thoughts.”

“Lisianthus. It means calming.”

“Someone that calms you.”

“Hydrangea means perseverance.”

“Stubborn and willing to endure anything.”

Taeil bitterly smiles, “Did you know that each person we just mentioned already has a partner?”

Yuta shakes his head.

“Who do you think they are?”

“Is one Hansol-hyung?” Yuta replies, picking up the lisianthus flower crown.

A simple nod.

“And the others?”

Taeil pauses before admitting, “Taeyong.” He points to the begonia crown then the hydrangea wreath, “Johnny. And you. But I still feel empty inside. As though there are more people for me to love.” Had it been anyone else, Taeil would have remained silent because he knows how judgemental koreans can be. He himself hates how much he is willing to love. But Yuta came from Japan, a place where they were much more open-minded. If it’d been Johnny, he would have also spilled the beans except about who his emotions were for. Mark too perhaps. But the only one experienced enough in the Hanahaki Disease was Yuta, so each answer would not be too shocking.

Yuta stays silent, almost feeling guilty for being one of the four causes. He lets his eyes wander and watches as the older moves on to the miscellaneous extra flowers. Many are yellow, he notices. Unable to cope with the silence, he sighs before muttering,“Yellow tulips. Is it because it's hopeless for those already in love to reciprocate your feelings?” He receives no answer and decides to continue filling the silence, “Yellow carnations. When did these appear?”

“Today. Before Hansol left,” Taeil answers, barely audible.

Yuta takes out his phone to look up the meaning, feeling his heart break at the words. _Disdain, rejection, and disappointment._ “Did… did you confess?”

“No,” Taeil shakes his head. “He said he’d be here for me. And I finally acknowledged my emotions. And then he brought up Johnny.”

“So it wasn’t an outright rejection?”

Silence greets him until Taeil asks his own question, “What’s this one?” He gathers a pile of yellow hyacinths, bright and beautiful.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“I think they're hyacinths. I spat out purple hyacinths before. This is the first time for yellow ones,” Taeil responds patiently. He joins the similar flowers together, creating another headdress. He alternates between the yellow hyacinths and tulips after every violet hyacinth.

Yuta nods and quickly types in the name to find the meaning. It breaks his heart when he finds that the darker color signifies sorrow. _Just how much did he endure?_ He can’t blame anyone for this except himself.

“You shouldn’t take all the blame,” Taeil says suddenly, voice still soft, and picks up two flowers. One that was similar to a daisy and another more blue than violet that had large petals. They couldn’t be found anywhere except in his hands.

Yuta peers at the purple daisy-like petals, “An aster.”

“For patience,” they say at the same time.

“An anemone,” the younger takes the flora from Taeil. “What does it mean?”

“It represents my fading hope and my feelings of being forsaken, forgotten, abandoned.” Taeil contemplates on showing two final flowers, pure white and different as well as a few tainted roses, but decides against it.

Yuta remains quiet, dropping the plants to the ground and bringing himself aver to wrap the older’s body in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Taeil feels cold and pushes the Japanese away, tears finally falling inadvertently revealing the tainted roses, “I don’t want your pity. I don’t need it. I don’t need a yellow rose. I don’t need _four_ yellow roses.” He raises his voice, “I don’t want any of it! Hate me, I don’t care. Why do you love me? Why can’t you hate me? It’d be so much easier.”

The door bursts open just as Taeil gathers his coat and some of the flora, the members still waiting outside look in anxiously. Taeyong reluctantly asks first, “What happened?”

Taeil glares before shoving his way out, only capable of doing so because it wasn’t expected.

Johnny reaches out only to flinch when he’s put under a harsh gaze by the normally gentle vocalist. But he sees Taeil’s gaze soften considerably after a moment. “I’m sorry.”

Johnny watches as his best friend escapes after muttering the words of apology. “Why?” He can’t help but let the word leave his lips.

* * *

Taeil takes himself to the studios, bumping into SHINee’s main vocalist, Jonghyun. He’s bright and sunny like most days and Taeil envies it. “Taeil,” he hears his name.

Instinctively turning around, Taeil finds he man of similar stature beside him. “Hyung.”

“Come with me for a moment,” Jonghyun smiles warmly. They walk in silence until they get to one of their producers’ room. “Sajang-nim needs someone to sing a song. I want you to take it.”

Taeil blinks, “Why?”

“Because the register is too low for Taeyeon-noona and SUJU-hyungs are busy right now.”

“But why me?”

Jonghyun sighs, “Listen to it first. Then you tell me why.”

Taeil nods and sits politely on a chair while Jonghyun asks the producer to play the song. He listens carefully to the lyrics and can’t help but relate to the words on the guide track.

 _I couldn't say anything_  
I who looked at you  
no matter how many times I called you  
I couldn't hear your voice  
unstoppable love  
the one who makes me live  
the one who more precious that myself  
I can't send you away  
  
even it's hurt, I'm okay, because of the love  
even when I try to forget and turn around  
my heart keep looking for you  
even it's hurt, I'm okay, because of the love  
even it's hurt, I will wait my last love  
because of you

Taeil looks at his hyung with moist eyes because it’s true. It’s so, so true. “I’ll take it. Thank you.”

Jonghyun grins, “That’s good. Do you want to stay over at our dorm? It’s closer and I can help you out more.”

Taeil hesitates before asking, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll tell sajang-nim. You probably need a break from all of them anyway.”

“But--”

“No buts, let’s go,” Jonghyun pulls Taeil out of the room after giving a proper farewell. “We’ll be back tomorrow hyung.”

Taeil sighs and follows the stubborn vocalist back to SHINee’s dorm.

“I actually already told Hansol,” Jonghyun admits with a soft chuckle, calming any other lingering worries.

* * *

”Taeil!” Taemin shouts when the two vocals enter the dorm. “Kibum-hyung said you’d be coming around.”

“Ah, Jonghyun-hyung is making me stay here for a few weeks,” Taeil nods.

Minho laughs, “Make yourself at home.”

“I made enough for six!” Kibum shouts from the kitchen.

Jonghyun leaves Taeil to fend for himself returning with two plates of food fifteen minutes later. “C'mon, we’re eating in my room. I doubt you want to talk with them like a third-wheel.”

“Third-wheel?”

“Yep. Every day is like a double date. And I’m the one suffering,” Jonghyun snickers.

Taeil walks through Jonghyun’s doorway surprised by the abundance of magenta petals. The scent is soft with an underlying sense of pure _Jonghyun_. He curiously approaches a bouquet lying across the vanity. “These are?”

“Magenta zinnia,” Jonghyun replies flippantly. “Lasting affection.”

“And a single yellow rose for platonic love.”

“Yes.”

Taeil remains silent, surprised that someone who can express so much joy would suffer from the same disease he has. He feels the elder’s eyes watching him with understanding. He admits, “I have four.”

“Anything else other than the representational blossoms?”

The younger pauses before pulling out a single, pure white gladiolus, “Faithfulness.”

Jonghyun’s face twists at the word.

“I don’t know if it’s my faith in them or if it’s because they’re faithful to each other,” Taeil whispers. “I’m too scared to show it to them.”

“Then don’t.”

“Do they know?”

“They don’t know who but,” he moves to his bookshelf with origami surrounding a trapezoidal vase. “Birds of Paradise is my representational flower.”

“It’s beautiful,” Taeil unexpectedly blurts.

Eyes sad, Jonghyun nods, “Just like him. But its meaning, joyfulness, makes my heart _burn_. You know, right? How much it hurts when he’s so happy with someone else.”

Taeil hums softly in agreement.

“C’mon, let’s start working.”

“Okay.”

* * *

Taeil settles on a bench near the SM building, watching the snow fall. He’d been staying with the SHINee hyungs for nearly a month now. He wonders if Yuta told everyone who he loves, but he doubts the sensible Japanese would tell anyone except Hansol. Yuta loves Taeyong too much to make him feel the guilt; he knows Johnny well enough that hell would break loose if he were to know. He knows that soon, he’ll have to join up with the SMRookies for their trip to Ten’s homeland.

Groaning at the thought, Taeil doesn’t notice his surroundings until he’s startled by a sudden shout, “Taeil?!”

 _Johnny’s voice. Of course,_ the vocalist can’t help but think. He pats his face and turns around with a smile, “Johnny.”

“What have you been doing? You haven’t even gone to training,” the American-born man asks, dropping his bag to sit beside Taeil.

The older chuckles lightly, “Jonghyun-hyung has been giving me special lessons, so sajang-nim exempted me for the month.” He doesn’t tell Johnny of the song that was given to him. He doesn’t plan on telling them, letting them discover it on their own.

Johnny smiles, “Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Mark is jealous y’know. But you can’t be slacking off on your dancing!”

“I know. Taemin-hyung covered that for me.”

“So,” Johnny bites his lips before finally asking, “How have you been? Have you removed the plants yet?”

Taeil’s expression becomes solemn and answers while pulling out a crown he’d made a month ago. “Johnny, these are _flowers_. Hydrangea. Take it. I don’t need it. But don’t throw it away.” He stands and gently places it atop the taller man’s head.

“Why won’t you remove it?” His voice is almost desperate, hand reaching out to grip Taeil’s wrists. “You’ve grown thinner, Taeil. Why are you suffering for it?”

“Let me ask you this Johnny. If Hansol didn’t return your feelings and you also had this disease, would you remove it?”

Johnny shakes his head.

“Wouldn’t you rather suffer as you watch him be happy?”

A nod.

Taeil smiles, satisfied with the answers, “It hurts when I see the happiness of the ones I love with someone else _._ But it brings _me_ greater happiness seeing the one I love with the one they love.”

“Fine, let’s go home,” Johnny sighs, joining his best friend on his feet.

* * *

Six months since his first attack with the begonia. Three months since Hansol revealed it and since he left temporarily. Two months since he returned to the dorm. Taeil has kept his secret from the maknaes well, thanks to the advice from Jonghyun.

_If you love something else enough, the flowers won’t come until hours later. For us, singing works because of our love for music. But you have to make sure you forcefully throw up some petals before you begin or else the attack will become worse. Find something peaceful and keep the flowers around you. They’re magical and has no need for watering. They won’t wither until the flower in you dies._

“Taeil-hyung,” Doyoung says to his roommate. “Do you have an OST?”

“Ah, yes, I recently recorded it. How’d you know?”

“I was watching _The Merchant_ and thought I heard your voice,” Doyoung shakes his head. “It’s an amazing song. You did really well. Is that why Jonghyun-hyung kidnapped you?”

“Yeah.”

“I-- I don’t know what to say. Did you write those lyrics?”

“No, but Jonghyun-hyung offered it to me after reading the lyrics. He said that it’s something I’m probably feeling. He wasn’t wrong though,” Taeil states thoughtfully.

“Oh… Are you going to keep these flowers?”

“Yes. It makes the attacks happen less.”

“I’ve never seen you take care of them.”

“Taeyong clips them sometimes, but Hanahaki flowers don’t need to be treated.”

Doyoung leaves peacefully, and Taeil sighs while feeling the faintest tug on his heart. He turns around only to find Hansol behind him. He exclaims in fright, “Hansol! When did you get here?”

Hansol shakes his head, expressionless, only his eyes giving away his emotions.

Taeil sees it. He can see the concern and obvious sadness as well as unwilling acceptance. “Did Yuta tell you?”

“I asked him not to tell Johnny and Taeyong.”

“That’s good,” Taeil forces a smile.

“Jonghyun-hyung chose the right song, but I don’t understand fate,” Hansol begins, hands caressing Taeil’s cheeks. “I don’t know what we did to bring you down like this. But I want you to move on, naturally, because that’s the only _real_ way for the flowers to die.”

Taeil rejects the idea, “If I could, I would have. If I could, I’d have stopped coughing up begonia after I admitted that I love Yuta. I would have stopped coughing freesias to when I found that I love you _and_ Johnny.” He turns away from the larger man’s build and reaches out to his desk, taking out the lisianthus wreath and offering it to his friend, “Take this. Keep it. Taeyong will be the last to get it. Unless something else happens.”

“Are you admitting your emotions to him?”

“No, I’m going to give it to him as a thank you gift.”

Hansol nods silently before asking, “How did you give it to Johnny?”

“I told him to hold onto it for me as a friend. I told him having the flowers nearby will let the attacks happen less.”

Hansol accepts the flower crown and exits the room, “I’m sorry I can't do anything for you. But you can’t lose yourself, okay? We all need you. Not just us four, but our dongsaengs.”

“If I ever get over any you, you’ll be the first to know,” Taeil promises. _But if I ever fall for another, I don’t think I can keep it a secret._

* * *

It’s the day before their departure and Taeil still needs to give the begonien accessory to Taeyong. He grabs Taeyong’s arm right before exiting the dorm, “Taeyong.”

“Yes hyung?”

Taeil shoves the first petals he ever spat out into the (unspoken) leader’s hands, “Keep this with you.” He leaves as quickly as he stopped Taeyong.

* * *

On their final week, Taeil _thrives_. The performances are amazing. He meets with their Thai fans as wells as other international fans that came by just to see them. It’s even more surprising to see some Korean fans cheering them on in the crowd. Taeil smiles warmly to all of them, choking down petals when he’s not on stage, though he’s glad he managed to cough up whole flowers before coming up.

That night, they all gather to watch video messages they’d recorded alone when they arrived in Thailand. His emotions are overbearing when he sees everyone speaking heartfelt words. It pains him even when Johnny isn’t speaking to Hansol. But then it moves on to Jaehyun leaving a message for him.

“Tairu, you didn’t expect this, huh?” Taeil chokes, covering it as a laugh. “I am not good at expressing myself but…”

“I have teary eyes,” Taeil quietly admits, hand covering his mouth.

The video continues, “Whenever I had a hard time, I always complained to you.”

Tears fall as he sniffles, wiping his nose only to be called out by Johnny, “Hey, don’t pick your nose!”

“I am crying,” he answers indignantly, only to smile when everyone else laughs. But no one sees a petal in his hand, a light purple.

They turn their attention back to the video, “I am not sure if you know how I feel since I was never very serious, but I really thank you and hope we can talk more about music and spend more time together as musicians. I love you.”

They all laugh even as Taeil wipes his tears for reasons none can comprehend. _I love you too,_ he wants to scream, _but more than you can understand._

When it’s over, Jaehyun says, “As boys, it’s hard to express our feelings to each other. But this was a very good idea.”

“Definitely,” Ten agrees.

Silence covers the room until Yuta asks, playful but gentle, as though he was scared of the oldest member’s reaction, “Taeil-hyung, did you cry?”

Johnny also pipes in, “Say something.”

“How was it?” Donghyuk exclaims.

“I am embarrassed,” Taeil admits as he turns to face everyone.

He’s under everyone’s friendly gazes, as well as worried, when Jaehyun inquires, “Did you cry?”

“Yes.” The older smiles bitterly, “I am crying again.” He hears them making a reaction but tunes it out as he continues, “I do love Jaehyun.” _More than I’ll ever tell you all._ “But you know I am not good with showing my feelings.” _Other than these damned flowers_ , he thinks while swallowing down new petals. “I felt very happy and touched when he told me that.” _Understatement of the year._

They all applaud even as Donghyuk begins to sing, _“Even if I cry, it’s alright, because I love you~”_

“We should do this every week,” Jaehyun adds while they all laugh, eventually leading to an awkward silence.

“Everyone is so sad,” Taeyong says.

Taeil smiles at the caring tone Taeyong holds.

“Because of Taeil,” Johnny declares, tone obviously joking, but he glances at Taeil to make sure it wasn’t taken to heart.

Donghyuk continues their joke, tone accusatory, “Why did you cry?”

Taeil doesn’t answer and allows Doyoung  brighten the mood. He lets the words wash over him faking attentiveness and only coming back to the conversation for the cheer.

Taeil returns to the dorm with everyone, trapping himself in the bathroom to cough up lavender petals. Some are partly white, as though to show the youth in it. His phone is with him, thankfully, so he takes a picture and uses google’s image search to find the flower when a whole blossom emerges. _Crocus_ , he reads.

He types in “crocus meaning” and finds “mirth and youth.” Taeil visibly shudders as another bout of flowers flow out his mouth. _Is it getting worse as I fall for more? Even after other rookie shows and even when I first got it, it wasn’t this bad._ He knows can’t stay any longer when he hears banging on the door. His mind vaguely recognizes it as Donghyuk’s voice. His breathing increases when more people gather to the door. He even remembers Mark telling Jaemin, or maybe Jeno, to get Johnny.

Taeil tries to stand but instead crawls to the door to try to unlock it. His bare feet can feel the velvety petals falling from him. It’s hard to breathe, but he's not sure if it’s from heartache or the petals. Or maybe it’s both because the roots of the flowers representing his emotions are tightening over his beating heart. _Will I die?_

But he remembers Jonghyun’s words, _You won’t die unless you suffocate from the petals. The roots don’t actually take nutrients from your heart. They take it from your love. As long as you love the person it represents, it’ll never disappear. Some people choose to suffocate, but I hope you’ll be like me, choosing to suffer to see your loved one._

And all Taeil can recall before his vision fades is Johnny and Taeyong breaking down the door and the cries of Donghyuk who sees the bathroom flooded with flower petals.

When Taeil awakens, he realizes he’s still at the hotel. He knows SM for it’s true colors firsthand now. They’d rather bring someone to see him instead of taking him to the hospital when he’d obviously been suffocating on countless petals. He sits up and finds Johnny beside him, tears still evident on his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he whispers to his best friend as he quietly leaves the bedroom. It’s dark, everyone was probably sleeping, but Taeil could hear two frustrated voices coming from somewhere. He sees the hotel room’s living room spread out with blankets. Everyone had gathered in this hotel room, not wanting to leave the eldest hyung. Taeil smiles warmly and follows the sounds. When he’s close enough to recognize the whispers, he knows it’s Hansol and Yuta in the kitchen. _Of course._ He makes his presence know by speaking quietly with his hoarse voice, “Hey.”

Yuta jumps at the sound, nearly screaming, while Hansol simply looked up. “Taeil?”

“Sorry for worrying you all,” he smiles sadly. “It seems we can’t keep it from the maknaes, huh?”

“That’s beside the point hyung,” Yuta whisper-shouts. “Who is it this time?”

He feigns ignorance, smile still stuck on his lips, “What do you mean? Your flowers are still there. I remember that much.”

Hansol all but growls, “We’re not idiots Taeil. You wouldn’t have that bad of an attack if it weren’t for someone else making a mark on your heart. Jonghyun-hyung told me everything about this disease. Yuta’s parents study this. You obviously have a crush on a fifth person. Who is it?”

“Jaehyun.”

Yuta’s expression twists and Hansol frowns, “Is that why a fifth yellow rose appeared?”

“Yes.”

* * *

When they debut as NCT U, Taeil feels his heart long for three people - Hansol, Johnny, and Yuta. His heart aches for two - Taeyong and Jaehyun - when he isn’t practicing “The 7th Sense” with them. But he’s overjoyed when performing “Without You.” He’s jealous, only slightly, because he can see Doyoung and Jaehyun being even more affectionate due to being deprived from touches because of exhaustion and dancing. Only during the practice as three can they at least hold hands as they sing. _So Hansol and Yuta never told them. That’s good._

* * *

Taeil stares at his manager before asking, “Are you sure? Can I really?”

His manager shrugs, “it’s a popular OST anyway. Everyone loves it. And it’ll give you a chance to show off. It’s your chance to make it big!”

Taeil laughs, “Okay, fine.”

Later, he tells Taeyong who grins at him, “That’s great hyung! Do your best!”

And he does just that, but as he sings, he remembers the times in NCT Life. He remembers how it was almost always Doyoung who brought up the song. Singing it at times and even showing it to the maknaes. He recalls Doyoung’s bright eyes and loveable features.

In their dorm room before debut, Taeil mostly spoke with Jaehyun, so his relationship with Doyoung wasn’t that close. But during NCT U, Taeil found the many endearing features of Doyoung.

As he sings, Taeil realizes that there was room for more in his heart. He thought Jaehyun would be the last because he could feel the roots beginning to touch each other in his heart. But now, with one more sprout, Taeil’s heart is completely covered. Taeil knows. He can feel it. He can feel each root pressing against him, sucking away his endless amount of emotions.

It’s a few hours later with Yuta patting his back as he covered their manager’s man in more flowers. All of them appearing. A final yellow rose was the first to emerge. Then begonia, freesia, hydrangea, lisianthus, crocus, and the new bluebell appearing as wholes. The petals of anemone, aster, yellow carnations, both yellow and purple hyacinths, yellow tulips, and pink camelia were the ones that flooded most of the vehicle’s floor. It makes him laugh how he has to drink water to keep himself from collapsing, taking the bottle from Yuta who probably got it from Taeyong. He whispers to the Japanese male when he finally catches his breath, “Bluebells. Kindness and humility. They’re for Doyoung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Sei Fiori**_ \- Six Flowers (Italian)  
>  _ **Credit for English Subtitles from NCT Life**_ \- [x](https://youtu.be/rElS0zfoi4U)  
>  _ **Credit for Lyrics**_ \- [Because Of You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfCbXHc6q9Q)  
>  _ **“Because Of You” Live**_ \- [x](https://youtu.be/cJoJUGUzp1I)  
>  _ **Note**_ \- next chapter is just a compilation of the flowers' images and their meanings as well as where I found the meaning.


	2. Flowers

_**Note**_  - some sites say that some of the meanings are different bc some flower meanings have changed over time  
 ** _// click to see enlarged images_**

**_Representational Flowers_ **

[About Flowers](http://www.aboutflowers.com/flower-a-plant-information-and-photos/meanings-of-flowers.html)

[](http://www.blackmore-langdon.com/images/product-large/amedeus.jpg)  
Begonia - deep thoughts // Taeyong  
[](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1419/7120/products/freesia_double_blue_1024x1024.jpg?v=1481317881)  
Freesia - spirited // Yuta  
[](http://mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/wnpr/files/styles/medium/public/201507/5739141325_9da1ab85eb_z.jpg)  
Hydrangea - perseverance // Johnny  
[](http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/NTY2WDg0OQ==/z/Qi4AAOSwBahVN2zC/%24_32.JPG?set_id=880000500F)  
Lisianthus - calming // Hansol

[Flower Meaning](http://www.flowermeaning.com/crocus-flower-meaning/)

[](http://www.flowermeaning.com/flower-pics/Crocus-Meaning.jpg)  
Crocus - mirth and youth // Jaehyun

[Go Unique and Beyond Gift Giving Ideas](http://www.gouniqueandbeyondgiftgiving-ideas.com/flower-meanings-chart.html)

[](http://silvergloballogistics.com/data/frontImages/gallery/product_image/common_bluebell_1.jpg)  
Bluebell - kindness and humility // Doyoung

[The Flower Expert](http://www.theflowerexpert.com/content/aboutflowers/flower-meanings)

[](http://teleflora.scene7.com/is/image/Teleflora/T77-1C_ENV?&wid=460&hei=460&fmt=jpeg&qlt=90,0&op_sharpen=0&resMode=bilin&op_usm=3.0,0.5,1.0,0&iccEmbed=0&layer=1&opac=0&layer=2&opac=55&layer=5&opac=0&layer=3&opac=0)  
Birds of Paradise - joyfulness // Kibum

* * *

**_Other Flowers_ **

[The Flower Expert](http://www.theflowerexpert.com/content/aboutflowers/flower-meanings)

[](http://www.flowermeaning.com/flower-pics/Anemone-Color-Meaning.jpg)  
Anemone - fading hope & forsaken  
[](http://www.almanac.com/sites/default/files/styles/primary_image_in_article/public/image_nodes/how_to_grow-asters.jpg?itok=dzsG6q95)  
Aster - patience  
[](http://www.mozzaick.com/upload/a/00/a00230b6df2cc449.jpg)  
Carnations - disdain, rejection, & disappointment (yellow)  
[](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/fc/2e/bd/fc2ebdefb6d87f2df26ec2d2cac061b2.jpg)  
Gladiolus - faithfulness  
[](http://www.rosecottageplants.co.uk/images/products/large/458.jpg) [](https://suttons.s3.amazonaws.com/p/BUHYA21248_3.jpg)  
Hyacinth - sorrow (purple) & jealousy (yellow)

[About Flowers](http://www.aboutflowers.com/flower-a-plant-information-and-photos/meanings-of-flowers.html)

[](https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTyd5eeq8F_ggAXgXupLN3QxUe28pF3yweHjw8Vf29DdTGPEjkwKQ)  
Tulip - hopelessly in love (yellow)  
[](http://media5.1800flowers.com/800f_assets/images/flowers/images/shop/catalog/104514Sz.jpg)  
Rose - friendship/platonic love (yellow)

[Flower Meaning](http://www.thebackyardbounty.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/IMG_4446.jpg)

[](http://www.thebackyardbounty.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/IMG_4446.jpg)  
Zinnia - lasting affection (magenta)

[Flower Meaning](http://www.flowermeaning.com/camellia-flower-meaning/)

  
Camellia - longing (pink)


End file.
